Donating this holiday season

We often find ourselves making split-second decisions to handle a problem as we try to raise these boys. Everyone does. Today was no different. And while we are not sure it was the best choice, once the words were uttered we rolled with it, to see where it took us.

Since we are traveling next week and Santa is visiting us at Grandma and Grandpa’s house this year, we opted to do our family presents early. This morning was our family holiday time – sitting by a fire, opening gifts to one another, warm tea at hand, mom and dad watching the boys play joyfully. Well, that is how we thought it would go. But with two boys up before 6 am, whining and asking to get up to open presents, the morning got off to a bumpy beginning. After too much, I grabbed a bag and declared that if there was any more whining over gifts, it meant they were spoiled and had too much. I would put gifts in the bag and donate them. For right or wrong, it is how I felt watching Elliott ask (demand) to open gifts.

Shortly after this we settled in to give gifts with no more whining. Elliott was allowed to pick the first gift he opened. It happened that he chose a big box of 50 blank rainbow note cards, a gift I thought he would love since he enjoys card-making for friends and family. He immediately started grumbling that he did not like his gift and scowling. I plucked it from his hand and put it in the bag, stating someone else would be pleased with the gift. I explained why it upset me and what thought I put into the gift. What really made me mad though is that he did not seem to care. I was appalled at how my child was acting about a gift. A GIFT!

Since I could not bring myself to scoop up all the toys and gifts, we ate our breakfast and tried again. Apparently something must have sunk in because he thanked us for later gifts, even new sheets and new pencils, though he did not seem as excited about them as he was about legos.

I do feel lucky that after each present both boys took time to play with each item before wanting to open another. But I see a need to teach Elliott manners on gift giving and receiving and a bigger need to start curbing my impulse to buy or give both boys too much at any time of the year. Otherwise we may have a new holiday tradition – a donation bag under the tree.

And on a side note, after three years, I think we have established another actual holiday tradition – fuzzy bright socks from Mike to Diana. And I was actually looking forward to them this year!

To counter Mike’s sock gift this year, I gifted some socks his way too. I bought them from Etsy to match a hat I knit last year.

New job

So I spend time planning, shopping, chopping, slicing, dicing, all in the name of serving a healthy home cooked meal. And the boys generally eat some of it and I feel good. But I cannot think of the last meal they asked for seconds of. Typically, they sample some of everything, eat their favorite item, and then scoot off to play.

Tonight was different. Elliott asked for more after eating a giant bowl. Then Oliver, the child who I have never heard spontaneously demand more dinner, cried out “More!” We had a busy afternoon after naps with a job conference call, playing at the park and carousel, and a quick trip to the library. So, when we walked in the door, little time was left for dinner.

I bet you want to know what they wanted more of.

Ramen noodles. Ramen frinkin’ noodles. With a side of green beans, which neither boy touched. Elliott showered praised on the noodle, saying how great they were, such a good food for winter, how we needed to buy more.

Normally this would be a blow to me. I like cooking good, healthy meals and see some enjoyment come from them. Today though I learned my new job in a primary Montessori classroom would start a week earlier than I originally thought and I am suffering through lots of (pre-)working parent stress about the decision. I am thrilled both my boys will be able to attend Montessori schools as I had hoped, and stay enrolled all year long, now that I have a paycheck to afford it. But it will be long days for everyone. Will the boys be happy going to school full days? How will Oliver transition to all day away from home and mom with so many new, young children around? How will I handle the sick days and schedule conflicts with boys at two different schools? Can the dog wait all day for us to care for her? How will this effect Oliver’s sleep and his moods, (hopefully) napping at school and then going to bed much later than normal? How will I cope with the new position I am walking into, the class and the staff all in their rhythm? Will we have enough down time for everyone when we are home? Will I have enough energy leftover for the boys at the end of the day?

So with all that on my mind for the past four weeks, well, really as long as I have been applying for jobs, I can find a little comfort that the boys happily and heartily eat ramen noodles. I think we will be buying and eating more of that in the near future, for some of the nights we roll in the door and dinner needs to be on the table in five minutes.

With that said, to all the few readers who do pop over here, I will likely cease blogging. I will keep the site open, just in case. But with such a high value now placed on free time, the list of things I would rather be doing with the boys will win out nearly every time. So I am not saying good bye, but I know it might be a long break.

A little love and logic

We were going to go hiking. We were driving out of the apartment complex. And Elliott was asked to cease a loud, irritating behavior because it was distracting for driving. He threw the item of concern and started going bananas. The car stopped. We waited for some behavior to change, but instead it increased to nasty giggling and then crying to go and kicking. So Mike pulled around to our apartment. And then Elliott was begging not to go back home. And then he was screaming and crying. I removed him from the car. Then he started hitting. I stopped and said “this is so sad.” And that stopped him for a moment. He resumed until we reached the apartment. I sent him to his room to take a break and calm down. Once he was done being angry, he wanted a hug. Then I explained that I felt really sad we had to miss out on the hike and that he was so angry that he hit me. I asked him if he had any ideas how to fix the situation. He kissed me and then thought for a moment. He asked if he could do one of the chores we had discussed the other day (his new weekly chore list, with choices of jobs to be completed each weekend). I said that was a great idea, and would make me feel better. After he looked over the list, he selected cleaning the bathroom. Since it was the first time, I explained each step and then allowed him time to complete each section.

When he was done, instead of flaring up again, or asking to be left alone, he asked if he could help with dinner. (To be fair, I asked if I could make the drumsticks he selected today at the grocery while he was cleaning the bathroom.) We worked side by side on drumsticks, he picked the vegetable, and together made these apricot bars for dessert and tomorrow's breakfast.

cutting butter for a double batch of apricot bars
(ignore the mountain of butter and make them!)

The way this all unfolded was a big deal for me because I lose my temper, easily, very easily, when the boys get out of control. And, while it might seem obvious, it does not help them get under control when I am getting angry or upset. Hmmm. I wonder why! I have been reading Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. I hate the cover graphic, the format was not the easiest to follow, and I don’t care for all the examples the authors lay out, especially when they make leaps from not disciplining your toddler to wild teen behaviors with no real support for such arguments. But by taking the meat of the book and applying it to our family in my mind, I was able to see the main points and put them into practice. The main idea is to give your child the opportunity to make mistakes now and learn from the consequences while they are young. And when they do make mistakes, if the adult stays calm and shows empathy, it sets the stage for better learning from a situation (sounds easier here than in application!). Because the boys are different ages, I made notes about how to approach each child’s situations. Elliott gets to spend more time problem solving when a mistake is made while Oliver is still learning that a behavior is not appropriate and that it will not be allowed. While the Love and Logic approach may not be for everyone, and I realize I might fail to follow everything the way I plan, the past few days have been far better than I realized they could be. I had my doubts and I am happy to find I was wrong.

The key to staying calm? Having a phrase to utter, with lots of empathy, when something happens. I chose “This is so sad” and from there I feel under control. No fake empathy either because it really is so sad. I can then state the problem and roll into a logical consequence. That is only part of the plan and part of the book’s approach, but getting started is the one of the hardest parts for me - staying cool and not allowing his problem to overtake me. Here are examples that I can see happening, all giving me a good start to staying calm with my initial empathetic phrase.

“This is so sad. You are throwing food off the table so you have to leave the table.”

“This is so sad. When you behave like this, we cannot take you to the park.”

“This is so sad. You broke Grandma’s vase throwing the ball. How can you fix this? (Pause for thinking) Would you like some suggestions?”

And so on…

 And, like the authors promised, at the end of the day, while we may have had to give up part of our day to challenging behaviors, in the end, I feel happier and less worn out and the boys are sweet and happy. Oh, and in the case of today, I have a slightly cleaner house.

Sickies

In the middle of the night, when little feet pad into the room, looking for reassurances, my first reaction is an inward groan. I am tired. But Elliott wants to snuggle in bed. For various reasons this occasionally happens (more since we have moved) and we allow it, though many times, after a while we ask him to move back to his bed, or he ends up on the floor to have more room. The big person bed gets awfully crowded with two big people, a pushy dog, and a sprawl-legged boy in it!

Last night, after he was snuggled next to me, I felt how hot he felt. Fever. So I got the thermometer. After a few minutes and a few coughs, I got a drink. And then I lay there snuggling him, but thinking the following:

-         there goes my exercise time at the Y tomorrow… no sick kids

-         there goes school for Elliott

-         there goes the chance to take Oliver somewhere like the zoo or park

-         there goes the chance to buy the book I decided I wanted to grab at school

-         the whole day might be filled with not a sweet, loving sick child but a whiny, not-really-that-sick kid

-         we might all get sick, sicker than the colds we already have

But pushing those thoughts aside, Elliott stroked my face with his warm hand and snuggled closer. It is so nice to know he feels safe and comforted coming to me for care, trusting I will help him. (And I won’t say out loud everything I am thinking.)

(*But I recognize that I am not a supermom. If in two or three nights he is still clammering into my bed, exhaustion tends to short circuit the nice nighttime mommy into a nasty, grumpy one. I hope this is short lived!)

Watching them grow up

Today each boy hit memorable milestones. Not that doctor check-list stuff, but ones that stand out to a parent. Not even the walking-talking-lose a tooth kind of milestones, but the stand out, memorable ones that make you a bit more amazed at your children that you will not forget for quite sometime.

Today was the book fair at Elliott’s school. After browsing and buying books for the holidays, I picked him up and went to the book fair again. We shopped for 30 minutes, with the goal of buying one book. Elliott observed other children being told they could also only buy one book and others buying a basket full. He asked why and accepted the answer. He pointed out gawdy pencils, little toys and various odds and ends meant to make a few extra bucks for the school and told me that we were not buying those today. And after browsing and comparing book after book, I asked what he was most interested in. I pointed out what books he had spent the most time with and then tried to step back while he decided. He surprised me by selecting a book on the Titanic (Titanic by Philip Wilkinson), stating that he was very interested in it and he needed to get it to learn the facts. To see him accept the limitations (despite of the tantrum we saw over more books, or maybe because of the tantrum!) and make a thoughtful choice in such a courteous manner made this mama proud.

And, on the 30 minute ride home… Elliott was engrossed in the pictures in the book. He was telling me about what he saw in the real pictures and the fake real pictures (realistic illustrations), asking questions, and really taking in the information that I knew and could provide (ah, that front seat parenting again). He then said (and I paraphrase here), “When I am an adult, I am going to make a movie about the Titanic. It won’t be for little kids, like one year olds. It will be for big kids, like teenagers. It will be sad. Some people will be on the ship when it sinks.” He added a few more details about his movie and then said, “I will ask a lot of dollars for it.” Why? I asked. “Because it will take a long time.” A long time to make the movie? “Yeah. And when I get home, I am going to make my Lego boat into the Titanic.” (I opted not to mention the numerous attempts to capture the story of the Titanic in video and documentaries. Why crush those dreams?)

And what did we read at bedtime, after Lego Titanic was in the initial construction? The new Titanic book, of course. Sneaky, the way history can be so inviting and interesting, working its way into the day to day.

So that could have been enough to make the day great. But Oliver found his own way to make me excited for his own growth.

Oliver is a boy of few words. Lately he has been adding to his vocabulary, but rarely does he choose to use words we feel he knows quite well. Tonight, I pretended to drop to sleep on his bed. He hoisted the big bin of Fisher Price people and all their household and farm items up next to me, with a big grin. These are the little vintage sets, not the newer, bubblier, bigger ones. I mention this because there are a lot of pieces in this box, ranging from vehicles to playground equipment to people to furniture. So I tuned in, to see what kind of play he had in mind. Typical Oliver play is to select two cars to carry around or dump the bin out, just because. Different than any other day, he wanted me to name objects, one after another, like he could not wait to hear the words. As he held up each object and heard the name for it, he often would look to his growing pile of previously named objects to classify it with others. When I said little girl, he heaped a pile of them together. When I said wagon, he searched for the other wagon. When I named animals, he followed it up with the noise they made and tried to find a match in his pile. If it took too long, he just grabbed another object, so eager to hear all the names. You could see the ‘gears’ working as he took in the language, categorized it and then tried to make the matches with similar but not identical items. This happened with Elliott one magical day too about this same age while we lived in Muncie. Elliott he ran pointing to objects in the kitchen and dining room, eager to know every object by name. And now, the same feeling as it happens with Oliver. Magical. No camera to document this milestone, no sudden change, but something inside is changing for Oliver. And I got to be there for it.

Adapting routines

Sleep or shall I say the way little boys go to sleep around here was slowly becoming a battlefield. It seems we cycle through easy phases and challenging ones with sleep. Elliott was moving back into a challenging one – getting up to go potty, needing to say good night to Daddy since he forgot, coming to see what was happening or tell us one last thing. And since Mike and I are overtired and just ready to work on our own tasks without constant interruption, this is enough to drive us batty and make us quite angry. Which, I always need to remind myself, does not solve the problem. Since I was reading a Love and Logic book, on recommendation from Elliott’s Montessori school, I decided to try a different approach, a gentler approach, seeing as how getting angry was not helping Elliott relax into sleep. (Hm. Wonder why?)

In looking over my old documents, I found a chart I made way back when, at another challenging sleep period. Yes, I type nearly everything and save it all, just in case! I also found a morning chart called The Morning High Five, which I had downloaded and considered using a while ago. Combining both of these for the past two days has really seemed helpful to get Elliott back on track and hopefully over the bumpy patch.

In the morning, Elliott simply works his way through the five simple things written and illustrated on the chart that are his responsibility. Since he wakes up in the morning in his room and his clothing is there, we hung the chart on his bedroom door. Our list included: eat breakfast (which to him also means clear his plates), make bed, get dressed (which also means clean up pajamas), brush teeth, and put away toys. Elliott interpreted it to mean he needs to complete steps 1 through 4 so he can actually get out toys to play with. That also works just fine for our mornings. Once all are done and we are headed out the door to school, we review the list and, you guessed it, give a high five. Sounds corny, but I think it will help as the past two mornings have felt a bit smoother.

Moning High Five chart, with no need to cross things off

In the evenings, Elliott was well aware of the general routine as it has been the same for some time. But having a check list makes it crystal clear without verbal reminders from me. I could hear him tonight telling himself that next he needed to go have his last potty chance. But, different from last time when we used the night time chart, I explained that if he said his last good night and remained in bed to get his rest, the next evening he would be well rested to stay up for five extra minutes of story time. On the nights he felt compelled to act silly or pop out of bed, he would not have the rest he needed and would need to go to bed early, thus shorter story time the next evening. This chart we posted on our bedroom door since Elliott falls asleep in our room. Little brother does his best to keep big brother awake at night so we felt it was best to keep them seperate as they fell asleep.



Bedtime chart, missing tonight's marks and with Elliott's accidental 'X' thru the cup



For the past two nights, not a peep has been heard from Elliott after last big hugs and kisses and the door closes. Now, Oliver on the other hand… That is a problem for another day. Perhaps I will have to pull out that bedtime book we made once upon a time for big brother at this age…

Here is a link to Morning High Five and I have posted my chart below, if it can be of any service to you, if you are suffering through any morning or bedtime troubles we are (were!) going through.



* Unfortunately, since making the chart customized to each family means moving images and words in this chart, I do not have something like that on here, only this picture you can print. But it was easy to create - just finding fun images online and making a basic chart. If I recall Elliott may have helped the first time with that very task. Or write the list and draw the pictures together with your child.

Car Parenting

While I realized it was 9/11 (really hard to not realize it with the internet), it was farther from my mind. I was trying not to think about it. I did not know anyone who did not survive. I do not know anyone who lost someone. It just is upsetting and I did not want to think about it.

But on an errand, Elliott and I saw a motorcycle group with flags on an overpass. He asked why there were so many chiefs. (The vest with patches appeared as chief clothing, I guess) What started out as explaining in simple terms why they were there led to a few tears on my part as I answered questions. “Did people die?” “Were they sad?” “Was their family sad?” “Where were you when the towers went down?” “Where was Daddy?”

Amazingly, since Elliott has no real concept of time and his own existence relative to past events, he said he would have been sad if Daddy had been in an airplane and died. Not meaning to minimize his feelings, I tried to explain he would not have been born if that had happened or been there to feel sad at that moment, but yes, it would have been very sad. He was very quiet thinking this over.

The most sensitive and difficult questions and discussions always come while riding in the car. A lot of serious parenting happens in that car. While I started out trying to avoid the day and the subject, I am glad though to have a small chance to discuss it with Elliott and recognize my memories and feelings from 10 years ago.

Everyone gets a break sometime

Elliott must have sensed the level of tension building or finally the day played out just right to encourage self-entertainment. After the boys lending a hand to start the laundry, I took the boys to the park and out for lunch. Once home, the rush was on. Oliver needed to eat his lunch and get down for a nap. I had to get the laundry, unload a few bags from the car, take out the trash, and take Addison out to the bathroom. All of it needed done immediately. I put Elliott to duty supervising Oliver while I handled other issues. After Oliver was finished eating, I asked (well, told) Elliott to read Oliver his stories, tuck him in and close the door. Elliott was a tremendous help, depsite Oliver's escape tactics. Then, oh, the wonderful, then, Elliott filled his time with a the five objects pictured below. Over the course of an hour, while I made cinnamon rolls and cut veggies, he assmebled a few legos in new patterns, sketched the wagon and lego vehicle, and told a few stories to himself. After that he requested more help from me to write a letter, get out paintbrushes, and listen to his stories. But what a nice reprive from the normal demands, requests, and chatter of the past few days. Something aligned today to make it happen. Now, how to make it happen again??

SSDD

As of late, the impact of how we interact with each and every person has been on my mind a lot.  Feeling let down has a way of drawing attention to such things. I am not talking some big butterfly effect thing, just the day to day interactions and choices.

If you wake on the wrong side of the bed and blow up at the first person you see, you might in turn make their day start poorly, leading them to yell at someone, feel down, or even cause their focus to be elsewhere than their own matters. Even non-verbal behavior can wreck havoc in the right situation. For example, if I am slamming pots in the kitchen and seeming angry or rushed, my boys might begin to throw fits and act out, sensing the change in dynamic. The consequences can be minor and unnoticeable or quite large and obvious.

Anytime we enter into relationships with people, chosen or not, we are acting in them and affecting them. Well, of course! We know it, right? But how much do we know it and respect it? We tend to know that if we are kind to the waitress at dinner, we likely will get better service. Or that you might wave to someone to thank them for letting you out because you feel grateful for their understanding and patience, causing warm and fuzzy feelings for them. Or that RSVPing to a friend so they can make better plans will be appreciated. Just like we know that yelling at our parents will not make (most of) us feel better in the long run or flipping off the car rudely passing is not going to solve much.

It comes to mind so much for me because of family – with such an intense and close relationship, moving beyond 2 people and their needs to the larger scope of 3-4-5 or more peoples’ needs. In each and every action, or lack thereof, you affect that many people. It might seem so simple, like one spouse not calling when running late. In turn, that can cause anxiety in the other spouse, which then becomes anger when they realize the disrespect when the delay happened. The child or children in turn feed off this and act out or be in some way inwardly impacted.

Taking an attitude of that each person is their own person and can do as they like in a family dynamic (and even in a marriage with no children) will no longer do when you moved beyond a single person. Perhaps this is the real reason some people feel their world ends with marriage (or children), as is often joked. It is not that they can no longer go out with the girls/guys or stay up watching a movie and just sleep in the next day. It is that every choice they make affects the other and they cannot get around it. When children are added to the mix, it complicates it all the more. Every single decision and action – to snipping when stressed, to not mentioning your work commitments in a timely fashion, to ignoring basic tasks around the home, to pretending to listen, to not noticing a change in your child, all of these and much more can cause mild to intense problems for the family. Some of the effects last a day, some a week, some for so much longer. Especially when they become habits.

To me it seems quite obvious. So obvious, I would like to say I never fall into those traps of a bad mood or forgetfulness or disrespectfulness. It is clearer to see those faults in others and expect changes. But waiting and expecting behavior to change to make your own changes is unlikely. So how much can one give and keep trying to change themselves while waiting on those changes? Each person chooses which things irk them the most and how much they can take? I have no answers, just a lot of questions as our family moves into new roles with new expectations and commitments.

And to humor myself, since I felt a bit of déjà vu, back to Muncie Mama I went. (I know that these are ongoing issues for my family, but I could not shake the sense of writing these feelings down before) Lo and behold, here is what I found!

Not sure the answer out there or what will happen with the start of school and jobs. We’ll see. We’ll see.

(and not to be 'crude' with my post title, but it seemed really fitting after finding my old post)

Getting to our new home

Parts of this move from Indiana were easy. I had lists telling me what order I wanted to do things in and which calls to make. I had a box with necessary essentials like tape, sharpies, and screwdrivers always at hand. I had a Mike helping with each and every step, doing what was needed from childcare to packing to cleaning to phone calls to furniture break down. I had some boxes already packed from a year before ready to store or pack with us. I had free boxes, saved or passed along from friends. We had done major repairs the year before in anticipation of selling our home.

The part that snuck up out of nowhere (seemingly) was the feeling of needing to hurry. Once we secured a renter for our unsold home, we had a deadline to be out of our house. Additionally, we also had an apartment lease we were paying for. We needed to move by August 1st with no wiggle room even if we encountered delays. So when a job took longer than expected or children interrupted (despite our plans to work mostly when they slept and keeping many toys out of boxes until the last day), it was enough to make me fly off the handle. As much as I hate to admit it, there was frequent yelling, tears, and distractions (read: bribes!) to get through difficult patches - all things that make a transition even harder for the littlest ones of the family. A few of those days I was not proud of the parent I was being. 

But, once the truck was packed and good byes said and inwardly felt by all, the drive out went better than expected. My biggest laugh for the trip was taking the boys into a hotel alone and trying to juggle in all the luggage we needed for the night, plus one very helpful toddler pushing the luggage cart and one chatty boy with a body in constant dancing motion. With many reminders that I was ‘just one mama’, we had a good dinner, swim, and bedtime rest.

With my parents there to help on our first day and movers hauling most of our stuff in the 100+ degree heat, the first day was not too bad. The boys room was quickly readied for sleeping and we said our good byes to Grandma and Grandpa. But with wicked heat still filling the apartment, sleeping in a new place was near impossible for the boys. The next few nights of the boys' new found joys and difficulties of sharing a room got quite stressful on the whole family. Little sleep = crabby family, repeat on day 2, repeat on day 3.

Over the course of a week, despite having a dog in for emergency bladder stone surgery and with some rather lack-luster parenting, we got shelves up, boxes unloaded, and our space to a cozy home. I wish it had been as easy as saying 'Poof!' and it was done. Sitting here now, it does sort of seem that way! To start mending bridges with the boys and relax ourselves, we have made numerous outings to the park across the street and trails just down the road. 

By spending time walking and exploring, I feel myself and see my boys unwinding a bit. While a move is stressful for the work involved and the friends, family, and home we have moved away from, having something new and wonderful to explore has made all the difference these past two weeks. It just might help us get back to the place we want to be as a family.

And to help you visualize this whole move, here are a slew of photos! To start, take 4 pack rats living in a 3 bedroom home with garage and move them into a 2 bedroom apartment with storage only with space still in Indiana. This is what you get…

The living room, before and after

Our bedroom, before and after (including the Closet of Crap)

Boys' Room (without showing their Closet of Crap, and yes, it is full)



Kitchen

And a happy little nutella boy, pleased with the progress