Donating this holiday season

We often find ourselves making split-second decisions to handle a problem as we try to raise these boys. Everyone does. Today was no different. And while we are not sure it was the best choice, once the words were uttered we rolled with it, to see where it took us.

Since we are traveling next week and Santa is visiting us at Grandma and Grandpa’s house this year, we opted to do our family presents early. This morning was our family holiday time – sitting by a fire, opening gifts to one another, warm tea at hand, mom and dad watching the boys play joyfully. Well, that is how we thought it would go. But with two boys up before 6 am, whining and asking to get up to open presents, the morning got off to a bumpy beginning. After too much, I grabbed a bag and declared that if there was any more whining over gifts, it meant they were spoiled and had too much. I would put gifts in the bag and donate them. For right or wrong, it is how I felt watching Elliott ask (demand) to open gifts.

Shortly after this we settled in to give gifts with no more whining. Elliott was allowed to pick the first gift he opened. It happened that he chose a big box of 50 blank rainbow note cards, a gift I thought he would love since he enjoys card-making for friends and family. He immediately started grumbling that he did not like his gift and scowling. I plucked it from his hand and put it in the bag, stating someone else would be pleased with the gift. I explained why it upset me and what thought I put into the gift. What really made me mad though is that he did not seem to care. I was appalled at how my child was acting about a gift. A GIFT!

Since I could not bring myself to scoop up all the toys and gifts, we ate our breakfast and tried again. Apparently something must have sunk in because he thanked us for later gifts, even new sheets and new pencils, though he did not seem as excited about them as he was about legos.

I do feel lucky that after each present both boys took time to play with each item before wanting to open another. But I see a need to teach Elliott manners on gift giving and receiving and a bigger need to start curbing my impulse to buy or give both boys too much at any time of the year. Otherwise we may have a new holiday tradition – a donation bag under the tree.

And on a side note, after three years, I think we have established another actual holiday tradition – fuzzy bright socks from Mike to Diana. And I was actually looking forward to them this year!

To counter Mike’s sock gift this year, I gifted some socks his way too. I bought them from Etsy to match a hat I knit last year.

A little love and logic

We were going to go hiking. We were driving out of the apartment complex. And Elliott was asked to cease a loud, irritating behavior because it was distracting for driving. He threw the item of concern and started going bananas. The car stopped. We waited for some behavior to change, but instead it increased to nasty giggling and then crying to go and kicking. So Mike pulled around to our apartment. And then Elliott was begging not to go back home. And then he was screaming and crying. I removed him from the car. Then he started hitting. I stopped and said “this is so sad.” And that stopped him for a moment. He resumed until we reached the apartment. I sent him to his room to take a break and calm down. Once he was done being angry, he wanted a hug. Then I explained that I felt really sad we had to miss out on the hike and that he was so angry that he hit me. I asked him if he had any ideas how to fix the situation. He kissed me and then thought for a moment. He asked if he could do one of the chores we had discussed the other day (his new weekly chore list, with choices of jobs to be completed each weekend). I said that was a great idea, and would make me feel better. After he looked over the list, he selected cleaning the bathroom. Since it was the first time, I explained each step and then allowed him time to complete each section.

When he was done, instead of flaring up again, or asking to be left alone, he asked if he could help with dinner. (To be fair, I asked if I could make the drumsticks he selected today at the grocery while he was cleaning the bathroom.) We worked side by side on drumsticks, he picked the vegetable, and together made these apricot bars for dessert and tomorrow's breakfast.

cutting butter for a double batch of apricot bars
(ignore the mountain of butter and make them!)

The way this all unfolded was a big deal for me because I lose my temper, easily, very easily, when the boys get out of control. And, while it might seem obvious, it does not help them get under control when I am getting angry or upset. Hmmm. I wonder why! I have been reading Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. I hate the cover graphic, the format was not the easiest to follow, and I don’t care for all the examples the authors lay out, especially when they make leaps from not disciplining your toddler to wild teen behaviors with no real support for such arguments. But by taking the meat of the book and applying it to our family in my mind, I was able to see the main points and put them into practice. The main idea is to give your child the opportunity to make mistakes now and learn from the consequences while they are young. And when they do make mistakes, if the adult stays calm and shows empathy, it sets the stage for better learning from a situation (sounds easier here than in application!). Because the boys are different ages, I made notes about how to approach each child’s situations. Elliott gets to spend more time problem solving when a mistake is made while Oliver is still learning that a behavior is not appropriate and that it will not be allowed. While the Love and Logic approach may not be for everyone, and I realize I might fail to follow everything the way I plan, the past few days have been far better than I realized they could be. I had my doubts and I am happy to find I was wrong.

The key to staying calm? Having a phrase to utter, with lots of empathy, when something happens. I chose “This is so sad” and from there I feel under control. No fake empathy either because it really is so sad. I can then state the problem and roll into a logical consequence. That is only part of the plan and part of the book’s approach, but getting started is the one of the hardest parts for me - staying cool and not allowing his problem to overtake me. Here are examples that I can see happening, all giving me a good start to staying calm with my initial empathetic phrase.

“This is so sad. You are throwing food off the table so you have to leave the table.”

“This is so sad. When you behave like this, we cannot take you to the park.”

“This is so sad. You broke Grandma’s vase throwing the ball. How can you fix this? (Pause for thinking) Would you like some suggestions?”

And so on…

 And, like the authors promised, at the end of the day, while we may have had to give up part of our day to challenging behaviors, in the end, I feel happier and less worn out and the boys are sweet and happy. Oh, and in the case of today, I have a slightly cleaner house.

Adapting routines

Sleep or shall I say the way little boys go to sleep around here was slowly becoming a battlefield. It seems we cycle through easy phases and challenging ones with sleep. Elliott was moving back into a challenging one – getting up to go potty, needing to say good night to Daddy since he forgot, coming to see what was happening or tell us one last thing. And since Mike and I are overtired and just ready to work on our own tasks without constant interruption, this is enough to drive us batty and make us quite angry. Which, I always need to remind myself, does not solve the problem. Since I was reading a Love and Logic book, on recommendation from Elliott’s Montessori school, I decided to try a different approach, a gentler approach, seeing as how getting angry was not helping Elliott relax into sleep. (Hm. Wonder why?)

In looking over my old documents, I found a chart I made way back when, at another challenging sleep period. Yes, I type nearly everything and save it all, just in case! I also found a morning chart called The Morning High Five, which I had downloaded and considered using a while ago. Combining both of these for the past two days has really seemed helpful to get Elliott back on track and hopefully over the bumpy patch.

In the morning, Elliott simply works his way through the five simple things written and illustrated on the chart that are his responsibility. Since he wakes up in the morning in his room and his clothing is there, we hung the chart on his bedroom door. Our list included: eat breakfast (which to him also means clear his plates), make bed, get dressed (which also means clean up pajamas), brush teeth, and put away toys. Elliott interpreted it to mean he needs to complete steps 1 through 4 so he can actually get out toys to play with. That also works just fine for our mornings. Once all are done and we are headed out the door to school, we review the list and, you guessed it, give a high five. Sounds corny, but I think it will help as the past two mornings have felt a bit smoother.

Moning High Five chart, with no need to cross things off

In the evenings, Elliott was well aware of the general routine as it has been the same for some time. But having a check list makes it crystal clear without verbal reminders from me. I could hear him tonight telling himself that next he needed to go have his last potty chance. But, different from last time when we used the night time chart, I explained that if he said his last good night and remained in bed to get his rest, the next evening he would be well rested to stay up for five extra minutes of story time. On the nights he felt compelled to act silly or pop out of bed, he would not have the rest he needed and would need to go to bed early, thus shorter story time the next evening. This chart we posted on our bedroom door since Elliott falls asleep in our room. Little brother does his best to keep big brother awake at night so we felt it was best to keep them seperate as they fell asleep.



Bedtime chart, missing tonight's marks and with Elliott's accidental 'X' thru the cup



For the past two nights, not a peep has been heard from Elliott after last big hugs and kisses and the door closes. Now, Oliver on the other hand… That is a problem for another day. Perhaps I will have to pull out that bedtime book we made once upon a time for big brother at this age…

Here is a link to Morning High Five and I have posted my chart below, if it can be of any service to you, if you are suffering through any morning or bedtime troubles we are (were!) going through.



* Unfortunately, since making the chart customized to each family means moving images and words in this chart, I do not have something like that on here, only this picture you can print. But it was easy to create - just finding fun images online and making a basic chart. If I recall Elliott may have helped the first time with that very task. Or write the list and draw the pictures together with your child.

SSDD

As of late, the impact of how we interact with each and every person has been on my mind a lot.  Feeling let down has a way of drawing attention to such things. I am not talking some big butterfly effect thing, just the day to day interactions and choices.

If you wake on the wrong side of the bed and blow up at the first person you see, you might in turn make their day start poorly, leading them to yell at someone, feel down, or even cause their focus to be elsewhere than their own matters. Even non-verbal behavior can wreck havoc in the right situation. For example, if I am slamming pots in the kitchen and seeming angry or rushed, my boys might begin to throw fits and act out, sensing the change in dynamic. The consequences can be minor and unnoticeable or quite large and obvious.

Anytime we enter into relationships with people, chosen or not, we are acting in them and affecting them. Well, of course! We know it, right? But how much do we know it and respect it? We tend to know that if we are kind to the waitress at dinner, we likely will get better service. Or that you might wave to someone to thank them for letting you out because you feel grateful for their understanding and patience, causing warm and fuzzy feelings for them. Or that RSVPing to a friend so they can make better plans will be appreciated. Just like we know that yelling at our parents will not make (most of) us feel better in the long run or flipping off the car rudely passing is not going to solve much.

It comes to mind so much for me because of family – with such an intense and close relationship, moving beyond 2 people and their needs to the larger scope of 3-4-5 or more peoples’ needs. In each and every action, or lack thereof, you affect that many people. It might seem so simple, like one spouse not calling when running late. In turn, that can cause anxiety in the other spouse, which then becomes anger when they realize the disrespect when the delay happened. The child or children in turn feed off this and act out or be in some way inwardly impacted.

Taking an attitude of that each person is their own person and can do as they like in a family dynamic (and even in a marriage with no children) will no longer do when you moved beyond a single person. Perhaps this is the real reason some people feel their world ends with marriage (or children), as is often joked. It is not that they can no longer go out with the girls/guys or stay up watching a movie and just sleep in the next day. It is that every choice they make affects the other and they cannot get around it. When children are added to the mix, it complicates it all the more. Every single decision and action – to snipping when stressed, to not mentioning your work commitments in a timely fashion, to ignoring basic tasks around the home, to pretending to listen, to not noticing a change in your child, all of these and much more can cause mild to intense problems for the family. Some of the effects last a day, some a week, some for so much longer. Especially when they become habits.

To me it seems quite obvious. So obvious, I would like to say I never fall into those traps of a bad mood or forgetfulness or disrespectfulness. It is clearer to see those faults in others and expect changes. But waiting and expecting behavior to change to make your own changes is unlikely. So how much can one give and keep trying to change themselves while waiting on those changes? Each person chooses which things irk them the most and how much they can take? I have no answers, just a lot of questions as our family moves into new roles with new expectations and commitments.

And to humor myself, since I felt a bit of déjà vu, back to Muncie Mama I went. (I know that these are ongoing issues for my family, but I could not shake the sense of writing these feelings down before) Lo and behold, here is what I found!

Not sure the answer out there or what will happen with the start of school and jobs. We’ll see. We’ll see.

(and not to be 'crude' with my post title, but it seemed really fitting after finding my old post)